Day 6: a letter to L

For me the letter L begins light words like love and ends heavy hearted names like yours .And I began this article with a random alphabet because just like life nothing really is synchronised with your hustle.Though your name still brings a lump on my throat and lingers on my tongue but never reaches my lips these days I still hope your life is filled with laughter ❤️.

Love for me was the way Gatsby looked at Daisy,I had decided at 21 that the day I meet someone who looks at me the same way would be the love of my life .Who knew love was made up of loose chains that could be broken and lost in the blink of an eye. The alphabet “L ” itself is highly deceiving (just like your face ) you think it’s going to be a straight line but then when capitalised and made important it takes a turn and doesn’t come back.(just like you didn’t ) 

Most days  (if not always ) I fill my lungs and heart with smoke in order to forget that you live in the whole of it ,Maybe my ribcages caged you so much that you needed to leave.

Lies that’s what you were made up of and I whole heartedly beleived you because I thought you were the face of love .Lovers do not fake promise .they don’t tell their lovers that they will last forever and leave when they actually need to be there.

Now I have replaced the word l-o-v-e with L-u-s-t .No one is allowed beyond my body anymore .Im terribly mad at you for not letting me have my faith in love and breaking it up .Please don’t give someone a key chain ring as their engagement ring and give them lies as gifts and make love meaningless …..not everyone will try to put them in your shoes to understand your perspective .

Also the letter l spells liquor which has been a life saver since I decided I needed to leave .I feel I’m 70% above wine haha (I only drink Chardonnay )

You know what ….in a few years when you listen to the songs I used to send you as our wedding playlist by mistake you will think of me …..and wonder where I am .. Just to realise I had always been there fighting against everything I learnt and knew to be with you ,to make you my truth but then you chose to be my life’s biggest lie .

For you I went against everything my life stood for and then you just gave me lies for hope and taught me that hope could actually murder more dreams than keep them alive .Oh how painful it was to watch the land I stood on slip away beneath me and live on the false hopes you loaned me and made me pay with every single emotion I knew .Men like you don’t deserve love because you don’t really feel what it means you try to understand it and that’s where you lost.

For me L will define you as a looser  because if I was the one who lost I would have lost someone who decided that I was the centre of the universe and I was worth everything….but well it was you who did.

day 5 :A letter to Ghale

Wherever  you are I hope you are as happy as you were when you were fangirling over korean guys on earth.

If you were still alive you would have been the person I would talk to endlessly about my perspectives on characters I read about .If you were still alive I would have called you to rant about life and how I can not adult anymore.I still know your number by heart and I remember the heart stickers on your phone and how you could totally nail singing korean songs without really understanding them

I remember how you were so passionate about music and reading and how you were so sure that you were going to die.I remember how you were so sure you did not have a future and that you would not have to worry too much about normal life.You are an asshole for thinking so.I do not care if you are dead and you might have super powers…you are still my bestfreind and I will always be sarcastic and brutally mean to you.#bffgoals.

I knew too but I never accepted it….that is the thing about human beings they do not want to accept things they know and they want to know things they do not want to accept.I never told myself that you did not have long to live and always told you that you should eat that damn golbheda chutney I made you during our friday lunch.

I miss you Ghale….sometimes the missing is so real I can’t comprehend what is real and what is not.You were an amazing amazing human being who knew how to enjoy life while you were at it.I am so so sorry I did not come to your funeral I did not want to see you dead….because I thought that if I do not see you dead you would live for me forever,I am so sorry I was terrible of a freind when you needed me the most and refused to see you in your last days.

I did not want you to see how scared I was……so much happened and I could not go with the flow.I was so mad at you for what you had done,I was mad at you for not keeping that a secret,I was mad at you for doing things you would never ever do no matter what.You messed up like we all do but you did not forgive yourself and you are the biggest jerk for that.I loved you and I love you still,I would still give you extra chocolates on my birthday and make you no masala pasta  and also make you boiled chicken because you can’t have fried stuff.

You were never your failed kidneys  you were mostly the kindness you taught me and my god I know you were so damn intelligent.(Never knew anyone who was such a voracious reader like you and still do not)

Noone taught me to dance to James Blunt songs like you did,sitting under that tree looking at the clouds and telling each other we sucked but we were going to make it as teenagers was just everything.You giving me a wonderful one pound cake that read ‘You are occupied’ after that asshole dumped me was just everything.(Noone in the world has celebrated breakup as much as you and I have.)I mean how many girls have freinds like you out there who is going to order cake to celebrate being single and how blessed was I to have you as my soul sister!

If you lived beyond 2014 you would have seen what I do to myself….I got myself braces man I know you would laugh your ass off at my lisp and you would totally LOL again at how I lose myself to someone who I think I love and then decide that my life is nothing without him.You always knew I was always my all and that noone else would be anything.Thankyou so much darling for teaching me how to love myself and being the only person in the whole damn world who dedicated ‘You’re Beautiful’ by James Blunt to me.Thankyou so much for always telling me to be the opinionated sometimes annoying spoilt brat that I was and for encouraging me to do whatever and be whoever I wanted to be.Thankyou for restoring my faith in humanity by relying on chocolates even on days your kidneys forgot what they were supposed to do.Thankyou for being a pain in the arse and being dramatic at times for introducing me to this whole new world of self love and giving me the ‘NO TIME TO HATE’ attitude.Most of all thankyou so so so so soso sosososososososos soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for being my freind.I will always remember you as the lazy bum dosing off in class and who had amazing handwriting and who had a huge appetite for life.

Darling remember always that you were not what killed you in the end but all of the things that you left behind and all the love that you left behind that made people like me alive.

MUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHS

When I see you on the other side please make me understand more things and share your perspective on everything like you used to.

LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE

RAE

 

Day 4:A letter to myself

Darling,

It seems you have told yourself you have become rusty so many times that you have actually started believing that crap so here is a long ass reminder letter for yourself by yourself because people like you deserve meaningful letters with sincere emotions.

I know 2015 was a pretty rough year and you paid amazingly high prices for fantasies in the first half of 2016.I know you thought your life was over and that you would not be able to cover distances or be the amazing unicorn that you are.You listened to people and their opinions and you were scared of being a disappointment to them like always and you did everything you fucking could to make them be the opposite of disappointment and look at where it got you babygirl……You could be shitting 5 carat diamonds and be the president of the United States and they would still look down on you….because they always have and they always will….so fuck them.

It is high time you just quit being guilty of the crimes you never committed, you are not like your cousin who got married in 2000 come on it was 16 years ago why are you scared for something that you did not even freaking do in the first place.

You already lost your best friend to the clash of society now do not lose yourself.

I know now it seems so blegh and cloudy that there is so much to do and you do not know where to start.I remember you as the girl who was always eager to wake up and go for a morning walk so that she does not miss the sunrise…the girl who gave people warm hugs just so that they could have a great day ,someone who would not mind sharing all her happiness to everyone she knew,someone who knew the importance of late night talks,someone who understood the importance of challenging herself with new perspective,someone who would always experiment with fitness routines and goto the gym with mascara on because she always had to look fabulous.

And now look at you munching on milka not caring how much you will gain from this  and just excusing yourself not to have mental breakdowns publicly.This is not how life works,you are not supposed to be this sad when you are this young.You do not have to do things just because you are expected to do them.You are confused about things then say you are confused about things,there is nothing wrong with being confused you know that you love perfumes and writing…that is enough clarity for this while.

Stop putting people before you because by now you should have understood that no matter how hard you try you can not please them,you are not the cause of their unhappiness,you are not a dead fish to go with their flow.You have always fucking always always alwayyyysssss tried to make them happy,if at 16 the Indian Embassy Award that said First Position Holder was nothing what do you think will make them happy at 24? You being an astronaut? Oh wait that would mean that you would have to stay out of the house till late…damn a disappointment already so you see my point right?

Let me tell you something your brows are naturally on fleek and thanks to you drinking water like a fish everyday your skin naturally glows too,you have enough freinds around the world who are just a text away and will be there for you no matter what,sure you had your heartbroken and what not but then you even forgave the people involved in it meaning you still have a big heart.There are a lot of things in life to be done to be seen to be found and bla bla so do not tell yourself that this is it and this is where you need to settle.

You want to grow up and learn and practice kindness and maybe aerial yoga who knows why are you breathing measuring the air you breathe thinking you might offend people around you god damn it?

You want to take more time to figure out what you would actually want to study for Grad School? Take all the time you need do not let idiots who do not understand the concept of time and space put a deadline in the experiment of your life.

You want to write your heart out so that you figure out what you think?

Go ahead buy all the calligraphy pens in the world and write your heart out.

You want to travel and become a gypsy?

Runaway but take mosquito repellent and sunblock with you.Also some cash and hand sanitizer…okay who are we kidding you are not meant to be a gypsy.You are too delicate physically for that and you can not eat whatever you want.

Okay fine you have a delicate soul and you get heartbroken easily but does that not mean that you are amazing with feelings and emotions?Come on most people live their entire lives to just to die and become the zombies that they already were when they were alive.You sweetheart are different,you cry during the movies,you cry hearing love songs,you cry watching people being proposed to,you happy cry,you sad cry,you laugh wholeheartedly,you feel wholeheartedly,you apologize sincerely and you always give people a second chance or maybe more than three chances.That is what makes you you ❤ Do not be ashamed of being an emotional cheeseball,you have feelings for someone admit it,you like cuddles and warm cuppa green tea admit that too,you suck at maths and tech stuff ? just make other people do that shit but just live like you are supposed to.Rae stop apologizing for mistakes you did not make and please please stop trying to make things work and adjusting to situations you were never supposed to be in the first place,you are just twenty four for god’s sake if you want you can just go live by yourself in the mountains just like Heidi does like you have always wanted to.If you do not want to move it is okay too but then you are not supposed to stay and be stuck.

Remember that for most of your freinds you are family and the warmest hugger they have ever knows.For your grandma you are her favorite grandchild and for Bhuyu you are the most amazing human being ever.You are amazing at making aloo paratha too and damn girl when you wear high waist shorts you are such an eye candy!

Remember you are fabulous.

Today and Always and if you ever forget in the middle of the chaos that life creates  always come back to this blog post.Thank the one who started the blog and wish him all the happiness in the world too.

Love

Hugs

And now to be new  red lipsticks because you finally are confident enough to wear them.

Rae

 

 

Day 3:A letter to Molika Rimal

Hey you !

So we are lost 20 somethings who thought they would have had everything figured out and would run out of pages on our passport  because of all the travelling we would do and here we are ,the closest to travelling we got is liking our facebook freind’s trip to Muktinath.

Life is already confusing and on top of all that confusion we are born in a middle class brown family where the mother dreams of her daughter’s wedding like her life depends on it.We manage house hold chores,deal with our menopausing mothers,fight with our annoying but world’s best siblings,and adore our fathers and in the time left behind we also think about what we want to do with our lives.

Maybe we are both late bloomers,that is what explains why we sucked at maths so much as high school kids.But I am not writing today to rant about how much we suck,I am writing this to make you feel like you are going to totally make through this and be the truly fabulous person you are with/without your glasses.(I am a totally dorky person with my glasses)

So Molika,you have a whole life ahead of you and you have a whole lot of time to freak out but not now.Now is the time to feel and accept and celebrate and do whatever the hell you have wanted to do.You are already a dentist in the making you will have to be smelling rotten teeth and deal with people who are sad about their aching jaw but I think instead of all of these lame things you should be focusing on the amazing part which is your profession helps people smile better <3.

I know we grew up too fast and we could almost do everything to stop time from going ahead so fast but then darling what would be the beauty of that?

It is tough to understand and be clear because we are just twenty something,and we thought by now we would be settled (ha ha what a joke) but trust the process you will be laughing at this time later and you will be a wise woman who will not need to rely on wine for stress release.

Both of us rarely have good hair days and we have never slayed our makeup,our fashion sense might not be updated and we might be broke most of the time but babygirl if these things were the things that defined life Lindsay Lohan would not be the person she is today.

Life is actually not measured by anything that can be measured.Do not believe in boys who say love is not enough,trust men who know what they want to do with their lives but do not let them in if they think that you should accommodate to their identity.We did not go to an all girls school filled with rules and regulations and nuns who asked to wear samiz under our shirts to not become rebels.

We will not be able to be as updated as the teenagers today nor will be as sophisticated and subtle as the women who are more experienced than us but that is the beauty of being an individual,you can enjoy whoever you are without expecting to be like anyone else.

I know moms menopause is heavier on the people around her but then the good news is that she will be over it and that you will be laughing about the things that made you mad in some time.The confusions you have now will slowly be cleared because clarity takes time but until then just enjoy the process because now is what matters the most.

For other stuffs I am here,to be a shoulder to lean on ,to be your ‘lets rant about the worl’d buddy or to do anything else that is utterly senseless like attending a slam poetry event where you know nobody.I am here 🙂

I hope we are laughing at this later and that we do not make people around us too uncomfortable by laughing out too loud.

Best Regards

Raeesha

 

Day 2: A Letter to Papli

Dear Papli

You been slaying since 1960s and I’m not saying this just because you’re my mother .(okay I might be saying that just because you’re my mother )

So we had a screwed up relationship for a while and we blamed the guys I dated or my bad choice of freinds . Well whatever it was at 24 you are the wisest woman I know with the most epic mood swings ever (let’s blame the menopause )

So Papli you have this sense of style and this epic way of winged eyeliner that even Kylie doesn’t have and you have been someone who has weirdly understood everything I have ever wanted to be in life .

Thanks for raising me and making me understand the harsh way that I am not supposed to stand up for myself and not compromise with the kind of person I am. Thankyou for not being freaked out when I tried to explain to you how Ramayana is actually the Hindu version of Harry Potter written by a male psycho who wanted us to idolise Ram who drops off his  pregnant wife in a jungle for the fear of society.Thankyou for listening to my heartbreaks and still telling me that I am worth more than all the assholes that have broken my heart .

And above all Thankyou for making me feel that you got my back regardless of whatever happening. Thankyou for standing up for me when I put Avril Lavigne posters all over my bedroom wall on fresh paint just because I could and also for reminding me that I should stay healthy.Thankyou for keeping up with all my phases my vegan phase, my lets figure myself out with vipassana phase,my I am in love with him and can’t liv e without him phase,my lets adopt all the puppies in the world phase,my I will peirce my earlobes for no apparent reason phase and all the phases that can not be mentioned publicly .

Most of all Thankyou so much for trying your best to keep up with me even if we belonged to a different time and place, I know you don’t like me writing too much because you do not think its cool but this is what makes me me mamu

I think that if you were not my mother you would still be a wonderful woman.you are amazing at cooking and organising things , sometimes a bit manipulative but then all for the best of everything .I think you would be a better businessman than dad and that is not a lie.

You do not give a shit about a lot of things except for me and the fam bam and that is what makes you such a queen .

I can’t write everything I feel for you and feel because of you Ofcourse it’s impossible but Papli I love you with all my heart and would give up everything in the world for you .You deserve everything you want from being slim while eating everything to a grand wedding of your kids everything !!!!

I love you and I know that you love me with everything you are too

Thanks for being my saviour all the time

Love

Tukku maharani

Letter 1 : A letter to Rose Sibanda

Dear Rose

I am writing to you via my blog because this is a new project .This has been in my head for a while.I decided today that I SHOULD definitely actualize this because why the fuck not.

So here I am sneaking in time between work because you are worth it .

You are worth being written about lame.You are my Sam.My best freind,my soul sister and my first phone call/message to any news.You literally know me inside out and you love me whole heartedly nonetheless.Not all people are blessed with a friend like you in life.You are literally one of the reasons I feel grateful in life.

You and I have always been the misfits who have not been great at keeping up with the greatness of society but I guess we are both misfits for a reason.Imagine if we fit in the society perfectly like a puzzle then we would never have found each other,we would probably be worried about the kardashians and what to do to our hair.

We are both definitely lost and worried and we do not know what next in life but being lost with you makes me feel like I have somehow found my way and that everything will fall into place.You know why I love you so much?

Because you think that I am your one true friend and you never make me feel less than family.From being there when I was weeping about my broken heart to agreeing to ditch class with me just to go spend some time at the shopping mall we have done it all.I am truly lucky to have so many wonderful memories to look back to which bring a smile to my face and moisten my eyes at the same time.

Lame I am not writing to you just because you are my best freind but this letter is a reminder to you about how much you are worth and how much you can do.If you can put a smile on another person’s face when she is having a bad day and give her hopes to look forward to then you know that you have found your place on this earth.You make me laugh at my problems and make me forget why I cry .

Remember that time I was weeping alone at the coffee shop because he did not show up and then you were just like bruuhhhh whaaatttt?(say it in the most thai accent possible ) I laughed because I don’t even know why .You make my life so much better lame.

It is such an amazing feeling to have someone like you who can just make everything better by talking to me.I miss everything from stealing your food from the fridge to making you wear mascara because you could slay the world with your eye -lashes,from promising to try to lose weight and shifting beds to create the space to work out to eating Chinese food.I miss the mini celebrations we had for nothing in particular and asking each other if we ate.We re-defined most relationships in the world and what is the most beautiful part of it all is that we did not know we were doing so.

The reason I believe you would always be the amazing artist you are at the moment is because you are half Nepali.

Okay jokes aside the real reason is because you have an amazing heart and a pure soul.How can something that you create be ugly or bad?

You are so much more than what you think you are babygirl so you should probably bye felishia to all the negative images you have of yourself.

You know why I tell you that you are better than your fears and all the negative emotional ghosts that haunt you?Because you make me feel better than all the fears and someone who could give me the courage to face my fears is not someone who is weak herself.

I  hope when you look in the mirror you see your true self keeping aside all the tiredness and you still have the’Everyone is a Phoenix By Choice -Raeesha’ Post it on the mirror because saley you are all your choices.

Your weight or the color of your skin or how many people talk to you all of these things are not what you measure your life’s grandness with.You measure it with how much you make someone else’s life better and OH MY GOD lame you make my life so so so much better.

You remember the story I made up to make fun of the innocent thai freinds that you were the Princess of Italy and that they should beleive it without questioning it because I said so and they can not discriminate someone just like that?

Well bubu you are a Princess! Not of Italy but of literally everything…because I said so.No need to color your toe nails(I said Toe and Not Foot Fingers) because you think that it is necessary just color it because you want to do it darling.

Remember to let your hair down sometimes because your hair is beautiful and omg your skin feels amazing and its so comfy to cuddle and watch movies with you.

Rose Sibanda you did my stats assignment you must be smart because I passed all the computer classes because of you doing my assignment and you are already such an amazing artist look at how far your art has come baby! So stop underrating yourself and start loving yourself

You are worth so much more than the words and numbers that weigh you down.

LOVE ,HUGS AND SLOPPY KISSES

RAETHERAINBOW

 

New pair of glasses,wind in my hair and nepali aloo chips

Well  its 23rd October 2016 and then in a few months you will be 26.

Wow.Time does fly by does it not?

I sat behind a complete stranger’s scooter today and felt the wind in my hair oh god that was a good feeling.It is a good thing to sometimes take a back seat and then look at the sky and realize how tiny you actually are.

Skies are amazing,and so is life.

I lost my glasses and was having terrible headaches so then I got new ones today and I look like an utter dork but well it is fine.

I am over the lets get herbal and ayurvedic phase so I am having tons of nepali aloo chips because they are worth all the diseases in the world.(Not really but it tastes good)

So it is all good,being myself and smelling great!Catching up with ananaya was great because she is an amazingly pure soul.

Start the potato factory man I will make you rich.

Nepali local potato chips are the best,this over lays any day man.

I am planning to continue to write thanks for the encouragement 🙂

Totally going to start a new project soon,hopefully it will not be a fail.

Sleeping 8 hours a day is wonderful for your mood and health and skin.You know what else is great.

Life.