Abbu Jaan and his Principles:Chapter 1

She was already worried about how to make him sign her maths test papers. After all what would a 11 year old girl worry about other than scoring low in tests that were marked unfairly and homeworks that did not let her watch Nickelodion in peace.

As she held her cousin sister’s hand tightly while crossing roads she felt the urging need to feel more responsible.Being older and being an adult was not bad at all…people trusted you could cross roads and make your younger cousins cross roads too!

Today is a good day she thought so she would show the test papers tomorrow morning after breakfast so the scolding would be less.She was happy about everything today because her favorite show ‘As told by Ginger’ would be aired on TV and she would not miss it because of less homework.Even her annoying cousin who also happened to be her neighbour did not seem annoying to her today.

As she dropped off her cousin to her house she notcied a man staring at her.

He looked at her strangely,his toungue licking his lips.She had not felt the kind of insecurity he made her feel.She knew something was wrong so she hurried her way to her house which was just 20 steps away.She secretly prayed her grandma was watching from the window like she usually did but she could tell noone could see what was happening and the path was alarimngly silent except for her own footsteps and the rumble of the tiffinbox with half eaten lunch in her bagpack.When she looked behind to see if the stranger who made her feel strange left she was shocked to see he was right behind her with his right hand between his legs and his left hand on the pant zipper.

She was about to scream but she could not.She felt like the ice cubes her mother took out from the fridge when Abbu demanded ‘whiskey on the rocks’.The strange man put his arms around her and muttered something she did not understand underneath his breath.She wished she had not skipped all the P.T classes to sit and gossip about Kasauti Zindagi Ke with her freinds,maybe she would have been stronger  otherwise.She did not quiet understand how she got away from the man and was hanging on her house’s gate because she could not open it considering how short she was.But the man ran away hearing something so loud and shreiking.It was her,screaming on top of her lungs she realised after she gathered her senses.

After her mother opened the gate to a frantically crying child she asked what was wrong.She could not talk about it because she did not know how to explain what had just happened.The  anxious mother who had never seen her child so shattered ran for a glass of water to calm her down and her ever calm abbu finally looked up the paper he was reading as he adjusted his glasses.

‘What is wrong Maeeruuu Jaan? Did Nazaneen do something wrong again?’ he said raising his eyebrows as thick as caterpillars Maeera saw today in the green leaf that the school’s gardener was throwing away.

‘Aabbb……bbuuuuu’ She stammered and started sobbing,words had never felt so heavy and tangled on her lips before.It required so much effort for her to say anything other than that….but if she had to get that man slapped by abbu she would definately have to explain what had just happened.

‘A man just grabbed me  and held me from behind’ she finally spitted it out before gulping down a sip of water  from the glass her mother had just given her.

Abbu finally put away his newspaper and cleared his throat,his eyebrows as straight as the lines her maths teacher drew in geometry class.He put down his glasses as if he needed to see the words she said to understand it better.

As he cleared his throat again he said ,’How many times have I told you not to jump around while coming back home?You must have done something to provoke him to come and hold you!’

She could not beleive what he just said,she thought Abbu would be angry and mad and stand up and run outside to look for the man and slap him like he slapped her when she scored a 6/10 on her science test.But he did not,he just sat there with his fingerss entertwined and his face showing nothing close to anger,dissapointed drawn in the fine lines under his eyes he shook his head.

‘Tell your daughter to learn how to walk properly when she comes back from school or else she will not leave us with a face to show the society someday!’ he said sternly to her mother.’She is all grown up now! she should behave decently.’

Tears that felt like thorns trickled down Maeera’s cheeks as they burnt her skin with each touch.The lump on her throat felt like that one time when a small bone of the fish got stuck in there once and she could not breathe just like that one time she had drowned in the swimming pool at 9.

Her Abbu was supposed to be mean to the man who grabbed her not HER!

As she climbed up the stairs to go to the bedroom she shared with her grandmother,she saw her sleeping soundly so she did not want to disturb.She went to the bathroom,she felt ‘f r u s t r a t e d’ for the first time,a word she did not even know how to spell and got a minus mark for the incorrect spelling three days ago in her English Spelling Test.

She started crying again but not the loud ones,the kind of cry that a helpless brown woman cries on the Indian Daily Soaps she used to watch with her ‘didi’ when she can not do anything for herself.When she caught her reflection crying back at her she did not like it…not even a tiny bit…not even as much as she disliked the karela that her grandmother forced her to eat.

She started worrying  again…….not about her maths test paper,or if she would miss ‘As told by Ginger’ on Nickelodean but about how she did not have to do anything beyond walk back home to be harmed by strange men she had never seen before.

What does an eleven year old worry about anyway when even her father does not help her feel protected in her own house?

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A letter to Maeera

To the most precious person I never met;

You restored my faith in a lot of warm fuzzy feelings when I felt like I did not deserve to live or have a reflection.

I had created this corner in my mind where I had placed you and had created memories that had not even taken place in the first place yet.From seeing you running around with Momo and Tiger ,you being a fussy eater just like me,you being a maths genius like your father,you being ‘extra’ in all the sparkles and rainbow colors like me,you being as tall as your father with a heartwarming smile,you  being  as empathetic as me,you crying when you had your first periods and your father and I being there for you regardless of whatever that happened,from your first toothless grin to the widest smile you ever had on your wedding day…I had imagined it all!

I guess this is what happens when you get a mother who is too imaginative and has this habit of getting lost in things that have never happened.

You know darling I would have oil massaged your hair just like my mother massaged mine,I would have taken silly but cute pictures of you and your dad napping together and framed it on the wall because you and him would have been the most important in my life and ofcourse I would feel the need to show off such precious jewels ❤ I would have made sure you were safely tucked into your bed at night and that your dad gave you more time than he gave me,I could not wait till you got home and I would be so eager to hear all about your day,I would kiss you on your forehead everytime you left home and protect you with all my being,I would advice you on how boys and men were different and how you should stand for yourself regardless of whoever stands infront of you.I would tell you to beleive in more than your body and not listen to people who tried to limit you.I would tell you to wear clothes that made you comfortable in.I would ask your father to workout and be fit so that he could carry you around and show you places I couldnt.

You see your father would not be expressive about a lot of things but I would force him to participate in all emotional and other talks with you just to make sure that we do the best we could to raise you.He might not have been the ideal man to look upto when it comes to being empathetic or being emotionally intelligent but he would be the perfect father who would work hard and make sure his little girl was happy.

To be honest I could write so much more but I can not anymore because if I do I will cry and I do not want to at the moment.

Some what ifs are more painful and haunting than other what ifs in our lives.I guess you will be the most beautiful ghost from the future that I was so eager to meet but never could.

Loads of love

 

 

 

 

Thankyou note to you ^.^

I decided to wear the most plain dress I ever owned for our first date.

I did not want you to like me.I did not even bother combing my hair and left it at the mess it was.Kind of wanted you to read in between the lines and figure out that I was what my hair represented…almost all over the place but pretty to look at anyways.I told myself that we were not going to go anywhere so why be nice and was my meanest to you.

I did not even bother painting my nails because why would I ?

You were sipping down your coffee with a smile and I ordered something that would make my breath stink…. hot chocolate!

Why would I want to smell nice infront of someone who I did not want to impress?

I asked you questions,you answered pateintly.You asked me questions and  I changed the topic. I told you all about my past,the guys I dated,the creepy men who made my life difficult,even about my best freind….and you listened as if I was speaking about saving the world.I almost wanted to slap you for being so nice.

I even had the last peice of momo on our  because well I did not really care about you.

One hell of a first date it was because who decides never to see each other again or to date each other the first time they meet?

 

I do not even know why I called you to meet me the second time,I was surprised that you came all the way just to see me because I would not have done so.

You looked at me like I was the first warm sunrise after a series of gloomy days. I looked at you with question marks because I did not know what you were the answer to.

You talked to my freind and listened to my childhood stories from her.I do not know why you were so interested.We kept stealing glances from each other as if admitting that we liked looking at each other was a crime.

You ate sushi even if you were not so fond of it because I ordered it.You let me order whenever we ate out.I gave you a last minute small cake with a silly lotus on it and it was the ugliest cake I have seen in my entire existence and my god you were so happy and thankful to have it because I gave it to you.Last year I had spent more than $120 on someone’s birthday cake and he did not even say thankyou out of courtesy without being asked to.I guess I had forgotten what sincere thankyous  felt like and it felt nice to be reminded of sincere feelings. 🙂

 

Fastforward to five months later I can’t wait to see you again.I start my day with you and end it with you.Everything that goes on in between that has anything nice or not I tell you.You are not bothered by how much I text you and how I expect replies.You literally make me feel like the world revolves around me and I am possibly the centre of the universe.You ask me about what I like and do not and you literally plan things around me ❤

Being a non judgemental man who speaks little in general you speak enough to give my stomach butterflies that fly out from my lips and lighten up a dark room like fireflies and echo with happy laughter.In a few months you are well acquainted with sephora value sets and do not mind that I am peculiar about a lot of things in life.From pampering me with customised hand sanitizers to the cutest tangle teezer in the world,from making sure I got my all time favorite fragranced body lotion that was not made anymore to making me feel like I am pretty even when I just woke up you have done everything to make me feel like I am a rainbow farting unicorn queen of cupcakes and all nice things in the world.

You being so eager to see me makes me feel like I am worth so much of excitement.I do not even know what that sentence is supposed to mean but I mean it in the best way possible.

I feel utterly blessed that you are exactly the kind of man that would come out as a package when Rae’s peculiar characteristics of what a man should be would be mixed together <3.

Thankyou so  so much for keeping the child in me alive and restoring my faith in fairytales and grand weddings again.You make me feel like whenever I decide to get married it will be straight like a fairytale that would get a 100 million views on youtube and make women all over the world cry with happiness.

Men like you restore my faith in humanity and all the good things in life in general.

I like how annoying you are (I know this sounds weird but yes I do admit.)Even if you  cheat during thumbwrestlings I know you are a genuine person who is the reason I smile genuinely from my eyes to my liver.(literally)Even on bad days you make me feel like everyrhing will fall into place and you will always have my back

Thankyou so much for being alive and well and in my life.

Super excitedd to see you again 😀

#FEBRUARY 2017

 

P.S I got the answer to the questions I looked at you with….thankyou for teaching me that self love and being accepting and not giving a flying fuck about a lot of things in life is the best way to live muuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahs

 

P.P.S-all my bestfreinds love you and my parents have already accepted you as family so yeah you are damn fabulous and totally qualify being the person I told you about.

2017 to be not to be ( PART II)

Since I sleep early and I have a tight schedule these days I was not able to continue my previous article.So here it goes.



TO BE :

-Adventurous

In the name of adventure I got myself a second ear piercing on a random August day.I did not even pre-plan it.My mother had always nagged me about getting a second ear piercing so that we could twin.(Yeah I am serious my mother always asked me to get a second piericing so that we could twin you did read it right!).I had not anticipated much I just woke up and then decided I needed another ear piercing.In less than half an hour I had done it and I thought I would regret it but I did not.That was my adventure,deciding on something instantly doing it and loving my decision.Without asking for anyone else’s acknowledgement or approval.It had been a while since I had decided on my own without anyone else’s permission or keeping anyone else’s convenience in mind so 2017 is going to be more of this.

-Unapologetic

Most of 2015 and half of 2016 I apologised to people around me for the kind of person I became.I even told the guy I was dating that I was sorry he had to deal with me and that I would never date me if I was him.Personally I feel that is the most disgraceful thing that has been translated into words from my lips in this lifetime.I apologised for being a mess,for being too emotional ,for being too happy,too excited,too sad,too (insert whatever emotion).I was so sorry for myself for being myself and I am done with that seriously.

I am not sorry anymore for the kind of person I am,I would definitely date me because of how I am and no this does not mean I am perfect or have become Gigi Hadid in 2017 but this means I am abso fucking lutely in love with myself and noone can stop that.No guy who thinks his mother is more important than mine or that his family is more important than mine is welcome in my life anymore.I am important and so is my family.I tried everything to fit into what he wanted in a woman and I lost myself and I am done with that.I am content with where I stand in my life at the moment,career wise,family relationship wise you know this is an amazing place to be where I do not need to waste my efforts and energy to a wall that would never appreciate me in the first place.I celebrate myself and pamper myself….unapologetically.

 

-Magical.

A sane 24 year old who does not know any magic tricks and fails in organizing her own closet is not really someone who is to be talking about magical things and cupcakes but then to hell with the alignment of the universe and how things are to be.

I want to be the magical person I believed I would be at 8 who would one day be on Oprah.(Oprah show is not aired anymore but there is Ellen so dream on!).That 8 year old was not sure who she would be but just knew she would be important.3 times 8 years now she still does not know what will make her important but she feels that it is important to live life according to her own principles.

If at 24 I dare to live according to my principles during the reign of Donald Trump and Prachanda,remaining original….how is that any less than magic?

 

 

 

 

 

 

2017 to be and not to be

I promised myself in 2016 that I would always keep track of my emotions and mental well being.Instead of the usual resolutions I would make a to be and not to be list and compare how much I have grown and how much I learnt in the past year.

TO BE :

1.Mindful.

Vipassana might not have given be nirvana like other people claim it does.I did not become enlightened and not do you see my eyes calm.However it made me realise the importance of being my own friend.I liked how guruji said that no one was going to do anything for you and you were here on your own.After a few years away from home coming back here I misplaced the essence of who I was in the expectations people had of me.Well it is good to misplace things once in awhile because you will be more careful later on.

So vipassana was a great way to realise the value of my breath and how I just had to look within in order to find the calm.I like how by the end of 2016 I became more aware of my actions and words.I like how affirmative I became and actually started paying attention to myself.I plan to be mindful and thoughtful and more empathetic.

2.Kind.

The year 2015 was a huge wake- up call for me.It hit me like a safa tempo filled with people (considering the fact that I have been hit by one)and made me realise where I actually came from.It shook my perspective of life and what and who I was and what was it that I wanted.From working as a digital marketer to being a teacher to going to Europe and learning german I did everything.The whole process of being lost and unsure had demoralised me and startled my confidence.I had a lot of sleepless nights and I cried so so so much for not knowing what I could have done to make myself feel better.

2016 was a drag,I took all the bitterness and heaviness I had inside of me along me.It was a year that was punished for things that it did not even do in the first place like all brown women who have tried to stand up for themselves.I did not know that in the whole process of discovering things I was so cyinical about life and I had forgotten that the first person you should be kind to is yourself.I was sincerely trying my best to be kind to people around me but I might have been as effective because I was not kind to myself.Almost two years of self loathing and self hate turned to show up on my skin in forms of pimples and darkness under my eyes.SO towards the end of 2016 I promised myself it would never again be about a boy but me.My skin actually glows with the care and pampering I do for myself.

Kindness is the key

3.Free from Expectations.

I had started measuring myself on the scale of other people’s expectations in the initial months that I returned to Nepal.It eventually became a habit that turned my smile upside down and left me with a reflection that was starting to disown be because of the dissapointments caused.

April 2016 taught me so many lessons by turning my worst nightmares into a reality that left me with a terribly broken and unmendable heart and an almost transparent soul that was colorless.Whatever I dreamt of turned into ghosts that haunted me and made me run away from everyone I loved.My relationship with my freinds and family degraded but I never failed to put up a selfie with a smile and a good filter on instagram.I stopped being honest with myself because I was never able to do what I was expected to do.I started expecting from myself what others expected me to do and be and oh my was that horrible so now 2017 would be the year where I actually implement what I learnt from Mark Manson’s book ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’.

Bye bye expectations hello new experiences!

4.More careful about what I eat.

The amount of times I got ill in 2016 I think I never did in my entire life.I spent a lot of days in my bed.I was getting over a heartbreak and was too much to handle that I stress ate a lot.Most of my money went on food.Most of the times I ate recklessly.I once finished a one pound cake myself to celebrate being single but honestly I just needed an excuse to eat cake.I was not happy breaking up with someone I thought I was going to make babies with.

I think I got sick most of the times because of careless eating so this year I will be careful of what I eat totally.I might seem like a picky eater but then you are not what you seem to be most of the times.

 

 

 

…… to be continued because I am sleepy.ok bye

 

rewind 2016.

*******not in chronological order based on whatever pops on my mind first***************

1.Discovered In love with a Ghost.(maybe because I am in love with one)

2.Learnt that being in love does not necessarily mean you need to end up with the one you love…you should walk away always….also had a harsh reminder that you should never do to yourself what you would suggest your best friend to do otherwise.

3.Just because someone is 31 and have made a mark for themselves professionally does not mean they know how to deal with people and situations in their personal life.(Police help required).

4.Cried a lot for someone,because of someone…learnt the value of not giving a fuck.

5.Read the subtle art of not giving a fuck,a house in the sky two books that will stay with me till the end.

6.Asked a lot of people for lifts because of the nakabandi and had life changing conversations with a lot of strangers.

7.Wrote one of the best art exhibition concepts Nepal has seen and got the concept actualised and visualised in Sept 2016.(never thought this would happen but good going!)

8.Adopted a cat,called her mimi and loved her a lot…until she abandoned me for her boyfriend and made her own kittens and came back with mini mimis.

9.Watched a lot of movies in the theatre but never really finished eating a medium sized pop corn so one of the things on my to do list for 2017 is to finish a LARGE bucket of pop corn .( I always have the weirdest to do lists)

10.Watched the secret life of walter mitty three times and had goosebumps all three times.’Beautiful things don’t ask for attention’

11.celebrated my bday on a random day (27th may) just because…well whatever.(thanks for ruining my birthday you were the worst thing ever)

12.Learnt to never have expectations with anyone.

13.Learnt to never accommodate or adjust for someone else.

14.Watched Fawad Khan on the big screen for less than 5 mins but still loved him nonetheless.

15.Went to Trisara for the first time and a random bar in Thamel ,understood RJC is a liar.

16.Never teaching IELTS again because it is fucking boring even if it pays a lot.

17.Saw what it meant to be a woman in a brown family when your marriage is broken before if it happens so closely that got over the concept of being brown.

18.Convinced a person to live because suicide is too mainstream.

19.Bought myself a pair of shiny gold glittery shoes because I fucking deserve it.

20.Finally got a hold of tommy hilfiger dreaming the perfume I was looking for forever.

21.Treasured Rose,Ekta,Amarin,Sid more than ever and will continue to love them till I am dead.

22.Learnt to forgive people who never apologised for my peace of mind.

23.Met my first boyfriend Anish Raj Shrestha and loled so hard that I considered myself in love with him once upon a time and that I actually had hardcore underestimated myself so much for dating someone so ….I dont know below basic?

24.Upped my brow game.

25.Started working out with my mother and becoming friends with her .Actually started to sit down and listen to stories because I needed to understand where she was coming from.Promised myself to always try to understand her.

26.Watched breakfast at tiffany’s in the theatre for free.(My dream of watching Audrey Hepburn on the big screen fulfilled)

27.Danced with my mom and dad in my cousin’s wedding.

28.Taught mom how to dance.

29.Met Kaavya a 4 year old who thinks I am her best friend <3.

30.Got my first glowy unicorn.

31.Bought a lot of chiffon shirts  with fancy buttons.

32.Took a selfie with Prabal Gurung.

33.Got free stuff from Armani just because.

34.Broke up with someone (the first time I initiate a breakup)

35.Went for 12 days vipassana.

36.Hugged a Baby monkey and clicked photos with her.

37.Started growing my hair longer again.

38 Took off my braces.

39.Worked in an all men’s magazine.

40.Finally recited a poem in one of the events organized by Word Warriors Nepal.

41.Attended Photo Kathmandu.

42.Bought my first pencil skirt.

43.Finally fixed my laptop but the mike is still broken.

44.learnt the value of mascara.

45.Got over earthquakes.

46.Started  using lipsticks (dont know why I was so not confident about them before)

(mmm will update more when I get the time to.)

 

 

Day 7 :A letter to 2016

2016

Glad you are ending.

You were one of the most uplifting years I have ever have had in my 24 years of existence.

OMG The emotional roller coaster was so much that I threw up quiet literally a lot of times.From writing a book for one of the most famous fashion photographers of the country to writing an unpublished break-up letter to someone who I thought was the love of my life you made me do everything I never really thought I would.

You began with a lot of hopes and dreams and gave me so much that I think I will treasure you for the rest of my life.You were just like  the SRK character in Dear Zindagi  who taught  me life lessons in the most bittersweet way possible.From almost getting married to being hugged by a baby monkey,from not speaking 12 days to meditate to speaking my heart out to a complete stranger in the bus,from working in an all men’s magazine to working as an IELTS Instructor,from learning german to forgetting how to love.. you did give me the experience of a lifetime.

When I was 14 I was not allowed to go to the movies with my friends,but you made me watch so many movies in the theatre with my friends,even though this might seem like nothing to most people I think 10 years of being rebellious finally got me the guts to get my movie tickets before asking my parents.

I will always remember you as a wise teacher who did not leave me until I learnt my lesson and my what a lesson it was……I will forever keep it in my heart and feel it instead of knowing it because I want to keep it safe.

Thankyou so much for liberating me from myself.

For teaching me to love myself because I deserve it.Thank you for making me go through what I now think of the most tragic heartbreak I will ever have,Thank you for giving me the power to forgive (mostly myself) and thank you so much for making me feel like eventually everything will fall into place.

Thank you for taking away the guy who I thought was the love of my life away because I would not have learnt how to not give a fuck about anything in life with him around.Thank you for teaching me that sometimes love is not about ending up together but ending relationships to be better off without each other.Mostly thankyou so much for gifting me someone who thinks I am the centre of his universe and treats me like I deserve all the bright happy colors in the universe.

Thank You for amazing friends who buy me tickets to Thailand just because I am feeling low and for dramatic women who are made just for the sake of friction in relationships,I hope women like that get lice and diarrhea at the same time man.

 

All in all I am glad you are ending because I think I have had enough of emotional ups and downs for a while,now I just want something calm and peaceful.Thankyou so much for all the memories,so much of milkas,men who broke my heart,men who mended my heart,my mother,her mother,bhuyu my dog ,the #roseesha,jujuonthebeat,my monkey best freind who must have forgotten me by now,mimi the cat I adopted but she abandoned me after she grew up,my grandmother coming back fit and fine from the hospital,the beautiful red and golden dress that I will never dare to look at again,amazing movies and momos that made my day.Also for people like Prashish Rajbhandari and Rose who just get me without actually being by my side.

You were one of the most giving years of my life.Muahs