An article for you

Well this is awkward.

I write when I am bleh and it seems I am bleh most of the times….but you know when I reach the height of ‘blehness’?

When you ask me to clean my room.

Like yes I am aware of the fact that when other people see my room they might be taken aback by the clutter of stationery and the heaps of books.

They might not even fancy my untidy closet and my messy study desk. Of course they will be astonished at how clean my face looks disregarding how I organise my cosmetics.They might not like the fact that the only comfortable sofa I have in my room is filled with clothes I am lazy to fold,my teddy bear and also might have crumbles of the chocolates I eat while binge reading.(There might be small pieces of  kurkure too  you may eat it if you find it,I discovered that during the winter the kurkure stick is still crunchy even if left unpacked.)

But well,this room is mine,so god damn mine that I pasted  the ‘I LOVE ST.MARY’S’ sticker that I HAD to buy when I was in grade 8 while my school celebrated the golden jubilee.I wanted the world to know that I had to buy that damn sticker because of a Nepali teacher I feared. The thing I want them to know more than that is this room is mine.None else in the family went to that convent anyways.

I have rarely had fucks to give about how other people perceive my room because well I am there alone and I LOVE IT.Everything portrays how I feel to be honest.

Let me give you a technical explanation of why my room is so messy.

I do not organise my books in a shelf but put it near the windows in my bedroom because I like to see books by the window first thing in the morning.It gives me hope you see.To see sun kissed books by the window is something magical,makes me feel someday I am going to write books like that.

The reason my cosmetics are cluttered is because most of the times I am figuring out how to use them .I get bored via the process sometimes and just leave them in the middle of everything because that is what they do to me.I am not sure if I should be hiding my pimple or celebrating them.I recently discovered concealers but well they are pretty useless….it does not hide anything….it has not even hid my disappointment on my face after buying that expensive piece of shit.(Maybe expensive makeup will do the shit)

I do not like organizing my stationery because why would I?I might need them in the living room or my study corner or my bedroom,or my walk in closet or even my bathroom.That is the reason you find them everywhere and sometimes step on them.(I know it hurts sorry!)I do not know when what how things will inspire me…so I need to be prepared anytime with my stationery for they are my only weapons.

As for my closet….ermmm you see I am pretty indecisive about how I should look.I love dressing up but usually the attire I plan the day before is not the one that I will wear,that is always the case.So there is no need to plan what to wear the day before because I am freaking not going to wear them.So I just try and mess up all the organised clothes because I do not have time to organise them.I will mess them up anyways.Why waste 55 mins on organising and re-organising things that will end up being a mess anyways.I would rather be productive and day dream.

Now what else….about the sofa and my soft toys scattered….I like to remind myself that I am still a child.Some of my dresses smell like him so I like to put them on  my sofa to breathe in perfume while i read.I know this sounds creepy as fuck but I am just in love …I am way less creepy than Edward Cullen.I just like how my boyfreind smells.That is all.

What is the use of showing myself as someone organised and figured out when I am lost myself?

Sometimes I do not even make my bed  for there are days when I do not know what my dreams are.I do not open the curtains because what is the use of light from outside when I feel dark?

I do not fancy wiping the mirror because I sometimes have unclear pictures of myself in my head….what is the use of seeing reflections when you can’t even actualise yourself?

So yeah….I am a mess myself so I do not mind my environment being messy.I know where what is and I know how to reach out for things.Things are kind of arranged according to my convenience so yeah my room is not messy.

It just reflects the kind of human I am.

Cosy,unorganised,welcoming and …well I will leave it up to people who have to see my room to decide.

XOXO

 

 

something borrowed

When I was 15 I never knew what a break up feels like.I thought gifting cards from Hallmark,staying up late to talk on the phone about homework and what happened in school,and occasional holding hands was more than enough to express your love for someone.You could also gift expensive chocolates if it was on sale because a student is always low on budget.

Love was gifting …Love was innocent and love was a lot of love

At 21,after going through a terrible breakup and a lot of drama,after having trust issues,after promising to NEVER believe in men again love popped up out of nowhere in a Facebook friend request…I accepted it…because at this point of my life I had started accepting things without changing it…reality need not be altered anymore…adult enough to face whatever happens….

Love walked in …in such a way that I would never imagine in my entire time of existence …it walked in slowly…in a train station with an extra jacket and a bottle of frizzy water because he knew I drank water like a fish…..love meant listening to what he had to say…it meant understanding his point of view and being okay with his past.Love meant telling him all the stories I had lived through…and also a three minute french kiss under the moon light.

Love meant trusting him with everything I was,knowing that he was worth all the pain…it meant watching him sleep like a baby and giving him all the warmth I could.It meant not complaining while sitting on a dusty train floor because I was with him.It meant being okay with the fact that he did not notice men staring at me because he was busy on the phone…Love meant a walk in the park with chocolate and mango ice cream…love was someone who always lend me his jacket and did not know what to do when I started crying…love was the surprised look when he found out I could cook so damn well..love wanted a strong dark coffee first thing in the morning and needed reminders to drink water..he also was not good with managing his shoes and knowing where to put his socks..love was lazy to cook for himself but made farmer’s breakfast omelet for me to impress me…love bought me a swarovski locket because he thought I liked it…love was meaningful…nights were meaningful and so were days…

Love sucked at time management because he was not used to giving someone time…love was still trying his best to cover the gaps that distance and time had created between us…and sometimes when he felt right..he would call me love too…he would laugh at me complaining because he thought it was funny when I was angry…love was fabulous in black…love was a song that needed to be shared via gmail because that would make him cooler even if he was an engineer..love was the BIGGEST exception in my life…with dirty toes because he was lazy to shower below his stomach….

Love was everything…that needed to be returned because things that are yours are never returned…they are kept until you want to replace it…Love meant everything for me…but I did not mean anything for love

So love returned me..without a second glance because things that are borrowed need to be returned…always

(unless you are an asshole)

Love is gifting…gifting things that can’t be returned

#Lesson 37 : BE COMPASSIONATE…MORE COMPASSIONATE EACH DAY

I have always been blessed to meet new people and listen to their stories.One extraordinary woman I met the other day was Amanda Lindhout, (Google her you won’t regret it).I could see her beaming with life, her grace,her beauty,her aura would never tell us the story she had lived.

She was one of the speakers in an event I organised….after her speech there was not a single pair of eyes left dry….I could not understand her pain or attempt to feel it….All I could do was admire her and wish her the best of everything…but for the first time in my life…admiration seemed like a small package  to gift to someone who had done so much….

Amanda Lindhout has gone through so much torture that I would not imagine any other possible way of torture for anyone.But the way she did not give up and was thoughtful for other people was so much that I was ashamed of the how ungrateful I was sometimes…..

 

I can’t talk about how she made me feel but all I can say is that I learnt from her to be compassionate and to feel for others…sometimes that might hurt us more than it should but that is what keeps us alive …..life is not lived unless lived for others….giving up is never in the picture and NEVER an option.

 

Just smile…be compassionate….accept things…and appreciate more 🙂

 

for more information go to her website http://www.amandalindhout.com

#Lesson36 : Say Thankyou …and then say it a little more sincerly

In grade 3 I was in my value education class early in the morning and I was sad because I had missed my favorite tv.show the night before because my mother did not let me stay up till  10 pm.

I did not want to listen to anything the teacher was saying because  I had missed a very important part in my life and then all my friends were going to talk about it…I was not going to be able to participate in the conversation…and then the same being left behind was going to happen…which I did not like.

Life is not fair you know…when you miss your favorite TV.show and your freinds leave you behind.

My teacher was explaining how we should be grateful in life.How we should sincerely say thank-you to people who have directly/indirectly helped us.God,Plants,Birds,Trees,Builders,Guards,Cleaners,Sweepers…but then again she is a nun…she is always about things like this.Normal people do not have time to appreciate people they do not know and they have every right to not think of other people and non humans because they are busy and they have more to do in life than just appreciate.

She said,”Have you ever thought about how many people worked just so that you can have a slice of bread with some jam on your table?”

”Of course my dad went to work made some money and bought bread and my mother made it for me.”a girl who thought she was the smartest thing that happened to the universe answered.

My teacher smiled,”Of course my child…but how many people actually work for it? Do you think your father used fertilized the soil and farmed to grow the wheat?”

”But that is their job….the farmer’s job I mean..and we pay money to them so we are already paying for their work.” she answered back feeling smarter than ever.

I was almost forgetting my pain and almost getting where my teacher was getting to…maybe she had a point.

 

”We humans are very good at taking things for granted…and we think that we are the most social animals of all class…we humans think that we are the ones who understands the world and hence the only ones who can save it…when that is not exactly what reality is.” My teacher said with a distant look in her eyes.

”I am sorry Sr.Rashmi but I am not getting what you are saying how is saying thank-you and being human related?” I asked with question marks in my eyes.

”Always with questions this one..” she cleared her throat and continued,”The simple act of buying bread is filled with a lot of people and a lot of process…it is the farmer who grows the wheat,the farmer’s raw material provider who gets him fertilizers and all the required materials,it’s someone else who helps the farmer collect everything and process,he then sells it to someone else and then a lot of people are involved in this whole process..then there are bread manufacturing companies who buy it and factory process it…there are people who used their creativity to create an attractive package for your bread’s wrapper  so that it is eye-pleasing..and then there were people who helped to transport the finished goods to whole-sellers and then to retailers and then in convenient stores and then we have access to it…..Has anyone thought of how many people our lives are dependent on? ”

Noone in class knew what to say…grade 3 students do not think of life this way.

”And then we think that the 20 bucks we put in from our effort is the perfect payment we ought to make but nothing more…….but once we say thank-you to whoever it is that made all this possible  we thank all the people in the process sending good wishes out to the universe making .Do you know how much more you do by being grateful? by being human?By appreciating things around us…we say we are amazed to be alive and enjoy the process.”

 

I was 8 years old that time but I have kept that lesson with myself….that saying thank-you is one of the best things that you can do in life…to people who have done good or bad in our life…for people who have done good you should thank them for the experience and for people who have not for the lessons…there are always always always alwaaaaaays things we should be thankful about and saying thank you from the inner core of your heart just makes you feel better about life…about your self…

 

So,always say thankyou…to whoever is looking after you…. always 🙂

 

#LESSON 35:If it has nothing to do with you..why bother?

‘Why do you like wearing boots?”

”Because I love how comfortable it is and it makes me look fabulous.”

”You are in Thailand.”

”I know where I am and I still don’t care I still love it!”

”UUUgh…girls like you annoy me like what the hell are you doing with your life..psssst I just would appreciate it if you used some common sense when you dressed up.You do not have time to fix your face and look good but you think it is fabulous to wear those stupid shoes.”

Yeah  he just paid for my fabulous shoes ,my whole life is dependent on him…and I just should be more careful how I dress up and put more sense in what shoes I choose because it is my duty to fulfill his need of visual pleasure.HELL YES.I as a woman have to HAVE TO have some make up on and ”Fix my Face” because how dare I walk with my nude face and no make…a woman who does not use make up is a woman who does not deserve to be seen publicly.Maybe I should wear a paper bag that says ”YOUR OPINION IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED IN MY LIFE” so that every man who thinks its his RIGHT to criticize a woman who dresses up however she want.

Excuse me sir I do not remember anything that has happened between you and me except this conversation and You would be living in a bubble of epic stupidity that is about to be burst because of my sharp opinions.

It is not anyone’s right to say anything that is unpleasant to anyone else…if you want to compliment someone sincerely then do it

If you have nothing to say then keep your mouth shut because everyone already has shit to deal with and your insecurity has nothing to do with anyone else.

I will wear whatever I want and I do not dress up to please anyone visually…I dress up for myself and I do not see any need to follow fashion and trends just so that morons like you can compliment me.I do not have time for that.Whatever I do with my face,hair,fingernails,shoes ..life is none of your business and you taking so much interest in my improvement is just a lame way of showing how much time you have to waste in this unimportant survival you are continuing.

You are just wasting your breath and your brain’s little left over thinking capacity by judging people(or just women) by what they wear and how they show up in something.I am fabulous and you can go ahead and call me a narcissist but it took a very long time for me to convince myself not to dress to impress but to dress for myself so you can juggle around your judgement balls wherever but it is not going to affect me at all.

I will do whatever the hell I please because my life is short and I am going to die just like every body else and I do not want to be uncomfortable in my body like I was before just so that I can be accepted.I do not have any time to waste just to convince you that I look fine without makeup and it is completely fine for a woman to not paint her toenails because it is her god damn body.If she wants to wear a rainbow dress let her…why do you think your opinion matters in someone else’s life…if you are that opinionated maybe you should actually use your pea sized brain’s little thinking capacity and direct it to a debate that includes whether prostitution should be legalized and whether abortion is a cruel thing to do…why are you wasting it in another person’s life?

Life lesson learnt-Don’t mind other people’s business do what you have to do and think about things that matter -_-

 

13 Things No one told me about being 22

I knew that life does not come with an instruction manual but I got a LOOOOOT of advices and I thought somehow just adjusting them into my life would make me an acceptable 22 year old but NOOOOOOOO.

Life is not what they said it was….so let me just tell you what I feel like no one told me about being 22…

1.You are not young enough to fit in the young category neither are your old enough to be an actual adult.

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2.You still won’t have it figured out.

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3.You have a friend who bends but does not break doing yoga and you are here checking her instagram like

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That is humanly possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.Whatever you eat shows.Chocolates are more fattening than comforting.

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5.People you know are getting engaged,married…even having babies…and by people I mean your classmates..your juniors…like what the hell?

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6.You are embarrassed by the fact that you were TOTALLY into korean dramas,twilight,one direction and maybe a little bit of justing beiber…maybe

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8.One direction songs don’t make sense to you anymore…seriously the fuck were you thinking?

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just look at them…….

9.You don’t care about people as much as you used to when you were younger.

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10.Shahrukh khan is still going to look like he did in Kuch Kuch Hota hai and YOU are going to have dark circles and crows feet.

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11.The person who you thought you would die without….his name sounds like a joke to you now..

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12.You realize that competition is so so so so tough…and that everything is way more difficult than you think it would be including internships ,interviews,internet….

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13.But it is not bad….seriously…it is not…you are growing up ….not necessarily old 😉

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