why are you doing this?

because it keeps me alive

what do you do for a living?

something else.




I still wish

it was you besides my bed

instead of him.

I still post

 my pictures publicly

in hopes that you see them.

I still  yearn

for your touch.

I still miss

the color of my cheeks

only you could bring out

I still  sigh

would I be this person?


you had not left.


without you




what they don’t know

They ask me

to hear the world

to fear the world

tik tok  tik tok

it’s supposed to be a reminder

‘not much of you is left’

I ask them

to leave me alone.

They tell me

not much of me is right

I  really do not care

I fancy creating shapes in shadows

I tell people what I feel

I do not believe in regrets

They fear

I will know I am the light.

They do not know

I already know.

Chapter *19 * Alan Rickman,Isis and Oli’s lameness

First of all today has to be the most bizarre day ever.Life has always been strange :not necessarily in a bad way but yeah whatever.

So,ISIS which a lame group that bombs people bombed the capital of Indonesia for no apparent reason…I read somewhere they hypnotize people to be suicide bombers.Even if they do not they still do not make any sense.I had researched a bit about their origin because well….I had access to internet,but the hatred they have seems to be going nowhere….I knew love lasts forever but well they are and example of hatred does too.

You know when you love someone you need no apparent reason to love them…it is the same with hatred… when you start hating someone,you have no freaking reason to do so either!

In the name of religion all ISIS is doing is going against God….they do not understand that the non-sheep like humans who can actually think for themselves are not really going to fear muslims (I HAVE MUSLIM FREINDS AND I GOD DAMN LOVE THEM) I love bearded muslim mens and by no way am I going to fear or hate them.So yeah ISIS you are possibly going to lose this battle….how many lives are you going to take to free yourself? You will run out of people to kill but how will you run away from guilt when you know that after all you are just a few steps away from death as well?

While we are talking about death one of my favorite actors died today…Alan Rickman (rest in peace) I will always always al freaking ways remember you as Snape.

I hated Snape all the time..his hair style,his grim look,the way he talked to Harry….but oh my god J.K Rowling wrote the most twisted love story of all times thanks to you….when I found out Snape loved Lilly after all this time god knows how many kleenexes I had to use…..Snape thanks for making me believe in true love.

Alan Rickman you frigging genius….you will be missed 😥

Okay lets talk about something light now that everything is heavy….I as a Nepali suffer from Oli-ism…..not only is he proving himself as the stupid-est Nepali on the face of earth but he is also making me question my existence.

If you are a futsal fan I have bad news for you according to rumors…Oli Sarkar has ‘banned’ youngsters from playing futsal because it is creating noise pollution.

Oli you caring soul….are you blind? does your nose work ? because well more than half the population in the capital wears masks to protect themselves from the air pollution as if it is their uniform.Are you going to sell small  and portable’fresh oxygen tanks’  just like they do in China for fighting air pollution? Are you going to give a flying fuck about the vehicle emissions?or are you going to do anything about the unofficial indian blockade?

oh wait sorry mr.pm I almost forgot you are on your honeymoon phase….-.-

Oli-sm states that women’s ability to reproduce is charitable to humanity and more policies should be built on that…wow….dude knows what he is talking about.

Oli-sm also states that unless you have seen a rhino your life aint meaningful dawg! so just ef off if you aint seen a rhino whatcha doin wid ur life dawg?

(yes sadly he is the pm of my country….)

Oli-sm believes in castles grand-er than castles in Germany for himself on the ground…he beleives in castles 10 times grand-er than that for us Nepalis but based on air.

How thoughtful!

Oli-sm is sad women are not empowered enough in our country….and except for words he has nothing else to give us in consolation.

slow clap

until then

I would rather say jai bholi than say long live oli


An article for you

Well this is awkward.

I write when I am bleh and it seems I am bleh most of the times….but you know when I reach the height of ‘blehness’?

When you ask me to clean my room.

Like yes I am aware of the fact that when other people see my room they might be taken aback by the clutter of stationery and the heaps of books.

They might not even fancy my untidy closet and my messy study desk. Of course they will be astonished at how clean my face looks disregarding how I organise my cosmetics.They might not like the fact that the only comfortable sofa I have in my room is filled with clothes I am lazy to fold,my teddy bear and also might have crumbles of the chocolates I eat while binge reading.(There might be small pieces of  kurkure too  you may eat it if you find it,I discovered that during the winter the kurkure stick is still crunchy even if left unpacked.)

But well,this room is mine,so god damn mine that I pasted  the ‘I LOVE ST.MARY’S’ sticker that I HAD to buy when I was in grade 8 while my school celebrated the golden jubilee.I wanted the world to know that I had to buy that damn sticker because of a Nepali teacher I feared. The thing I want them to know more than that is this room is mine.None else in the family went to that convent anyways.

I have rarely had fucks to give about how other people perceive my room because well I am there alone and I LOVE IT.Everything portrays how I feel to be honest.

Let me give you a technical explanation of why my room is so messy.

I do not organise my books in a shelf but put it near the windows in my bedroom because I like to see books by the window first thing in the morning.It gives me hope you see.To see sun kissed books by the window is something magical,makes me feel someday I am going to write books like that.

The reason my cosmetics are cluttered is because most of the times I am figuring out how to use them .I get bored via the process sometimes and just leave them in the middle of everything because that is what they do to me.I am not sure if I should be hiding my pimple or celebrating them.I recently discovered concealers but well they are pretty useless….it does not hide anything….it has not even hid my disappointment on my face after buying that expensive piece of shit.(Maybe expensive makeup will do the shit)

I do not like organizing my stationery because why would I?I might need them in the living room or my study corner or my bedroom,or my walk in closet or even my bathroom.That is the reason you find them everywhere and sometimes step on them.(I know it hurts sorry!)I do not know when what how things will inspire me…so I need to be prepared anytime with my stationery for they are my only weapons.

As for my closet….ermmm you see I am pretty indecisive about how I should look.I love dressing up but usually the attire I plan the day before is not the one that I will wear,that is always the case.So there is no need to plan what to wear the day before because I am freaking not going to wear them.So I just try and mess up all the organised clothes because I do not have time to organise them.I will mess them up anyways.Why waste 55 mins on organising and re-organising things that will end up being a mess anyways.I would rather be productive and day dream.

Now what else….about the sofa and my soft toys scattered….I like to remind myself that I am still a child.Some of my dresses smell like him so I like to put them on  my sofa to breathe in perfume while i read.I know this sounds creepy as fuck but I am just in love …I am way less creepy than Edward Cullen.I just like how my boyfreind smells.That is all.

What is the use of showing myself as someone organised and figured out when I am lost myself?

Sometimes I do not even make my bed  for there are days when I do not know what my dreams are.I do not open the curtains because what is the use of light from outside when I feel dark?

I do not fancy wiping the mirror because I sometimes have unclear pictures of myself in my head….what is the use of seeing reflections when you can’t even actualise yourself?

So yeah….I am a mess myself so I do not mind my environment being messy.I know where what is and I know how to reach out for things.Things are kind of arranged according to my convenience so yeah my room is not messy.

It just reflects the kind of human I am.

Cosy,unorganised,welcoming and …well I will leave it up to people who have to see my room to decide.




2016 :To be and not to be

To be :



3. a love song that makes people  want to dance

4.be the person minie thought I was. ❤ (Rest in peace …I miss you )

5.be the rainbow that I have always been

6.in love with life.

7.more of a listener.

8.more serious about words.

9.someone who has the ability to laugh at life.

10.a fucking fabulous forgiving soul who does not have any amounts of fucks to be given.

11.a unicorn

12.a compass.




1.mad at people for nothing.

2.someone who has grudges against her past.

3.carried away by emotions.

4.a lame person like you.

5.absent for friends.

6.allergic to people.

7.on the floor,crumbling into pieces for the mistakes others made.

8.a compromiser

9.chained by circumstances.

10.validate my existence by relationships


12.someone who lets strangers dictate her fate.

13.someone who does not live up to her words.



I have


holding lit cigarettes between my fingers

hoping to feel the burnt of my heart in my lungs

I  have


trying to forget the smell that lingers

hoping to forget how heavenly you felt in my toungue

I have


walking leaving a trial of ashes behind wherever I go

hoping that you would somehow come across it someday

I have


the biggest idiot on the face of earth

and the most magniloquent blind person

for when I looked behind

even I could not find my trial

the ashes

seemed to have been blown away with the wind

just like your never ending