DISCLAIMER : this is an extended version of an imagined reality inspired by true events within close family. SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER
It was not supposed to end like this….I was not supposed to end like this but life does not happen the way it is supposed to happen..or in my case death.
It is difficult for a child to accept that his/her mother is a human being constantly making mistakes and learning. It is especially more difficult for children under the age of ten to ‘get’ that.
Before I was a mother I was someone too….and I was still that person underneath all the layers of motherhood.
Do I regret being a mother?
Of course not!
Being blessed with two wonderful children was definitely the two strongest reasons that had kept me alive till I did what I did.
I was young and emotionally unstable when I fell in love with my kid’s father. When I married him I felt like I would answer all the questions that the universe would ask me.
That is what people in love who are just married think…they think that the world will bow down to their feet.
For a while, it did feel like I had the answers to everything.
I had the most pompous shoes and a wardrobe that had more clothes than anyone I personally knew. My hair was on point even if we did not have Instagram back in those days. My husband loved me and I loved him back, there was nothing that could stop us.
But something did stop us….
it was ….
me…my mental health.
I do not know when that part of me became the whole of me.
I could not see the point of anything anymore because I wanted more from life.
When I pictured myself as a twenty-three-year-old I thought I would have my own house, I would have everything figured out and I would just know everything! Do you get what I mean?
But I did not get anything….I was a strong believer of not following the crowd and doing what I did for the sole purpose of wanting to do it.It is not like I was not happy with my marriage,I was…I was not happy with myself…and I was always looking for more and more and more……because I did not feel fulfilled.
I bought more shoes and more bags and more sarees than anyone else that I knew of but I still could not feel it.I still did not feel happy.
Darling daughter during those days mental health was unheard of,you were either normal or ‘crazy’.I desperately wanted to be normal without necessarily being like everyone else.I do not know how to explain this…I have never really been good at explaining.
Let us not get to what happened because what has happened is in the past and it should not be the base of your future.
I know you miss me…when you see other daughters with their mothers,you have missed me since the day I was gone….maybe you missed me even before that because I was not present with you all the time even though I was.
I know you look at your reflection and take pride in the fact that you look like me ,you also secretly wish you did not because you see me all over you without being with you at the same time. Its heart breaking but it is the truth.
Darling I hope you understand that it was never your fault and neither was it your brother’s both of you mean so so much to me…..sadly emotions got the best of me that time and I got too carried away…
I am sorry I took away our fights and arguments,I was not there for your first toothache or your periods,someone else had to teach you how to use sanitary napkins,I am sorry I was not there when the report cards needed to be picked up and for never making you home made lunch that you could show off to your friends..I am sorry I could not comb your hair or scold you when you put on makeup when you were too young,I am sorry I could not tell you that no guy was worth crying over…I am sorry you had to learn how to cook on your own and that you had to take care of your brother as if you were his mother.
I am sorry I was not there to tell you that smoking was not going to make you cool.I am sorry I was not there to give you all the attention and love you were looking for by experimenting with all sorts of things in life.I am sorry I was not there for you to teach you how to drape sarees and put on makeup.I am sorry I was not there to tell you that smoking was not going to make you cool. I am sorry I was not there to give you all the attention and love you were looking for by experimenting with all sorts of things in life.I am sorry I was not there for you to teach you how to drape sarees and put on makeup.
I know I should not have done that but life is not about what should be done and what should not.
I hope you understand that I was trying my level best but there was no one to tell me that I could get through it. I know this sounds too big for you to understand but I hope you learn from what I did.
What I did was out of rage, fury and anger.
I hope you understand that those are not the most powerful emotions in the world…..I hope you remember that it is always love.
I hope you have the strength to remind yourself that you come from a woman who was always strong enough to go and get what she wanted. I am very proud of the woman you are becoming regardless of what you think the society thinks of you.
I hope that someday when you feel like you should give up and end too you remember that that is not the answer.
The answer is to move on with all the courage in your heart and to forgive <3.
A few years down the line when you become a mother and you tell your child about me…I hope you tell her I was beautiful and that I loved you with all my being.
I hope you give her all the things I could not give you.
Maybe you also understand what I am saying because you are a part of me after all.
Remember I will always be with you, just look in the mirror and you will see me 🙂
How I ended should NEVER define your beginning. You have a lot of wonderful beginnings waiting for you my love…the world belongs to you ❤
Loads of Love
P.S -REMEMBER YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.