day 5 :A letter to Ghale

Wherever  you are I hope you are as happy as you were when you were fangirling over korean guys on earth.

If you were still alive you would have been the person I would talk to endlessly about my perspectives on characters I read about .If you were still alive I would have called you to rant about life and how I can not adult anymore.I still know your number by heart and I remember the heart stickers on your phone and how you could totally nail singing korean songs without really understanding them

I remember how you were so passionate about music and reading and how you were so sure that you were going to die.I remember how you were so sure you did not have a future and that you would not have to worry too much about normal life.You are an asshole for thinking so.I do not care if you are dead and you might have super powers…you are still my bestfreind and I will always be sarcastic and brutally mean to you.#bffgoals.

I knew too but I never accepted it….that is the thing about human beings they do not want to accept things they know and they want to know things they do not want to accept.I never told myself that you did not have long to live and always told you that you should eat that damn golbheda chutney I made you during our friday lunch.

I miss you Ghale….sometimes the missing is so real I can’t comprehend what is real and what is not.You were an amazing amazing human being who knew how to enjoy life while you were at it.I am so so sorry I did not come to your funeral I did not want to see you dead….because I thought that if I do not see you dead you would live for me forever,I am so sorry I was terrible of a freind when you needed me the most and refused to see you in your last days.

I did not want you to see how scared I was……so much happened and I could not go with the flow.I was so mad at you for what you had done,I was mad at you for not keeping that a secret,I was mad at you for doing things you would never ever do no matter what.You messed up like we all do but you did not forgive yourself and you are the biggest jerk for that.I loved you and I love you still,I would still give you extra chocolates on my birthday and make you no masala pasta  and also make you boiled chicken because you can’t have fried stuff.

You were never your failed kidneys  you were mostly the kindness you taught me and my god I know you were so damn intelligent.(Never knew anyone who was such a voracious reader like you and still do not)

Noone taught me to dance to James Blunt songs like you did,sitting under that tree looking at the clouds and telling each other we sucked but we were going to make it as teenagers was just everything.You giving me a wonderful one pound cake that read ‘You are occupied’ after that asshole dumped me was just everything.(Noone in the world has celebrated breakup as much as you and I have.)I mean how many girls have freinds like you out there who is going to order cake to celebrate being single and how blessed was I to have you as my soul sister!

If you lived beyond 2014 you would have seen what I do to myself….I got myself braces man I know you would laugh your ass off at my lisp and you would totally LOL again at how I lose myself to someone who I think I love and then decide that my life is nothing without him.You always knew I was always my all and that noone else would be anything.Thankyou so much darling for teaching me how to love myself and being the only person in the whole damn world who dedicated ‘You’re Beautiful’ by James Blunt to me.Thankyou so much for always telling me to be the opinionated sometimes annoying spoilt brat that I was and for encouraging me to do whatever and be whoever I wanted to be.Thankyou for restoring my faith in humanity by relying on chocolates even on days your kidneys forgot what they were supposed to do.Thankyou for being a pain in the arse and being dramatic at times for introducing me to this whole new world of self love and giving me the ‘NO TIME TO HATE’ attitude.Most of all thankyou so so so so soso sosososososososos soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for being my freind.I will always remember you as the lazy bum dosing off in class and who had amazing handwriting and who had a huge appetite for life.

Darling remember always that you were not what killed you in the end but all of the things that you left behind and all the love that you left behind that made people like me alive.

MUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHS

When I see you on the other side please make me understand more things and share your perspective on everything like you used to.

LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE

RAE

 

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