I keep losing myself in the process of building myself.I am not sure if this is what most people feel but I believe I am amongst the average not because it is safer there but because I know I do not have much to stand out of the average curve
.I am average in most ways,I just like utilising time instead of spending it that is how I do more than most people.
Sometimes I lose myself in songs,books,people’s conversations,people’s faces and slim waists..sometimes in complicated menus in restaurants.. in crowds and closed fists,in colors,in fragile fingers and course syllabus but sometimes all the things mentioned above helps me find myself.
Sometimes I forget what I have done,and try to feel accomplished on the basis of people around me.
Would it not be sad if all I achieved could be put inside files and framed on walls.
The sadder part is people who ”Achieve” seem to do so based on all tangible aspects and this makes me more lost.This confuses me and makes me feel that maybe I do not get the idea of success clearly.Maybe success is not what you feel but who you are in someone else’s head.
is this not suffocating?
To do something based on the idea of you in someone else’s mind?
I feel lost because most of the times I do not care how I am perceived but they say to be someone the most important thing is your reputation and how you build your ‘network’ .I do not want to end up compromising with the kind of human being I am in order to fit in but it seems that is not the right way to grow up.
I am chained by 4 Ps in my life…People,Power,Promises, and Plans .
4 Ps that set me free are Progress ,Perception ,Perfumes and Puzzles.
I decided that no matter how lost I feel I would not give up the search to find myself.
It is great to be lost .At 21 I am having a quarterlife crisis…. I am sure this term was non existent 50 years ago but things have changed…
I felt I lost myself more than I should have but those moments in awkward conversations when the crowd was cheering,in clubs where I could not hear the voices in my head,on nights the clock ticked louder than usual..on days when Damien Rice was my savior…on the smile on my mother’s face when I baked my first set of Chocolate Lava cake..when I hugged a random stranger and decided she was going to be my friend… I found myself.
I,Raeesha Shrestha can not reverse gravity and bring back the dead but I can sure make people who are alive with me live a little more with hugs and warm kisses,I can listen to what they have to and say what I want to say,I can bake and cook for them,I can read and write,I can see things,I can feel things..so even if I keep loosing myself against things and people..I find myself amongst things and people too and I declare that the whole process of being lost helps you find yourself.
I refuse to be lost against circumstances and excuses,I wish to win over regrets and learn,I wish to define my choices….but then again…..
If you have a companion to get lost with..it is even better because to share an adventure would be the best way to share your life.
I think I just found myself an adventure buddy,( I share a to do list with that one) I hope you find one for yourself too.